Ain't nothing

So I wrote this back in 2005. I think that's when my struggle to really become comfortable with myself began. This may sound silly to most people but low self esteem isn't an issue that should be belittled. Just because it's easy to ignore and it doesn't obviously disrupt peoples lives doesn't make it any less of an issue than say anorexia. How do you think those girls develop such a horrible disease in the first place? It starts with self esteem and self worth. It's hard to find it in yourself when no one else is giving you reason to believe you're worthy of loving yourself. I've always had good self worth BUT, self esteem is something I've always struggled with. This was one of my first steps in completely accepting myself, every part of myself.

On Staying

Hey. Remember when I said I loved you, and I lied. I swear I didn’t mean it; the lie, not the love. I fully intended to love you. I went through all the emotions. Forced myself to feel the pains but it seems my love was lame. As in lying broken and defeated.

Somehow, through all the lies your love was true. I could see it running deep in you. I wanted to run to it too but I ran from it. You scared the bejesus out of me getting down on one knee proposing that we should marry. How unfair would that be? You loving all of me.

I guess I didn’t love you see, I loved you like: get your ass out of bed. I can’t date a fool and your mom is breathing down my neck because you haven’t graduated yet.

I should have loved you like: Stay, stay. Don’t you ever go away. I want our future to always bet his way.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

UDS


You are so hot! Is not something I hear very often. I heard it a lot as a kid followed by my mom telling me I was running a fever. I hear cute, a lot. You are so cute! Is annoying, because some woman is simultaneously pinching your cheeks; which by the way, I hate. Yes, they are chubby. Yes, its cute. No, they are not public property, don't touch me.

Cute, is also what a guy says when you're not 'pretty'. Thank God I'm a bitch because I'd hate to be nice. We all know what nice means. No one wants to say it out loud but 'nice' means - actually I don't want to be the to say it out loud either. It's like one step down from cute and cute isn't that much of an upgrade. It goes: nice, cute, pretty, hot and sexy I think is in it's own little category right because you can be cute and sexy. Then theres all the other rankings and combinations, but if I had to break it down into classes those would be mine.